Top Most The History of Computers: Computer War Humor

A friend recently asked "what's the difference between c# and Java"? I'm sure he is sorry now.

I began, "You see, c# is the main language for .net, a Microsoft product for building Web Applications. It is a lot like Java, but with more hand holding. It's used by small companies run by ex-bullies who don't want to pay their 'nerd-programmers' a good salary."

I added "Recent surveys show that Java has 60% of the market compared to 40% for .net."

Friend: "Uh, OK, but what about PHP? I've seen a lot of jobs advertised for PHP."

Me: "Oh yeah, almost forgot about that. PHP is used for personal sites, internet porn, and by tiny companies that cannot afford a real programmer!"

Friend: "Well, I'm not so sure about that..."

Me: "Listen chump. I'm the expert here. But I'll give you a break. You're young, green and just opening your childlike eyes to that big, scary world out there."

Friend: "I'm 34, and..."

Me: "Never mind. Just listen hear and I'll fill you in with all that happened while you were just a sparkle in your fathers eye."

"It's like conservatives versus liberals. MS is the big, evil conservative corporation bent on world domination. It treats you nice when it needs you, then it chews you up and spits you out."

"On the other hand Java is the liberal, free, open source, pot smoking hippy alternative. They give you things for free! Group hug anyone?"


Friend (looking at watch): "I really have to..."

Me (ignoring my friend for his own good):

It started in the 50's and 60's with "big iron" mainframe manufacturers: IBM, Burroughs, UNIVAC, NCR, Control Data, Honeywell, General Electric and RCA.

Competition was robust. Then wars ensued. Many lives were lost. IBM crushed their rivals leaving nothing but smoking scrap metal in the dust.

IBM was the evil monster, and we all had to obey. But then it adopted and fed Microsoft, who grew and grew and grew. MS got so big it began to challenge IBM. You'd think taking down the evil giant would be a good thing. But the child was even more evil. It too was bent on world domination. And it was succeeding. IBM became the underdog.

A new era began. The internet era. MS was preparing to finish off it's competitors. But then, in true American fashion, the rebels bravely picked a hero, a little platform called Java, and lined up behind it.

Battle lines were drawn. Microsoft and its followers on one side, Java and its allies on the other. The battle looked to be fierce and bloody.The industry prepared for war. Bomb shelters were dug, canned food hoarded, dogs were fed.

But then, wait for it, a new hero emerged! From the deep, cavernous tunnels, below a respected American educational institution, a thin, long haired, figure emerged pronouncing "free, as in free beer".

Friend (waking up): "What?"

Richard Stallman. He said software represents information, and it should available to the public. This led to open source software, often available for free, and often of much higher quality than its commercial counterparts.

The Java folks rallied around this novel idea. Businesses developed models to give away software while monetizing ancillary offerings. Even the .net folks have started adopting open source.

Friend: "So they won?"

Me: The battle continues. However it is now a battle for hearts and minds. We freely invite our enemies to our homes and offices. We break bread together, and occasionally slice each others tires. But it's all in fun.

Friend: "So what about Rails versus Grails?"

Me (brandishing knife): "How dare you! Get out you scurvy dog, before I slash you a new one!"

Me (alone at night, sipping a glass of fine brandy) "Sigh. Gotta love the language wars."